What is more important???

For the past umpteen days, I have been quarrelling with myself trying to establish which facet is more important towards leading a happy life. After all, im only gonna be living once and wouldn’t wanna waste the opportunity right? Is it important to pursue a CAREER or could you be happy just dong a JOB that pays you well? I think the eventual answer to this question would be the decision I take in pursuing my post-graduation.
What I can’t decide is whether it is more important to attain financial security or whether I might risk financial security for CAREER satisfaction. If I should choose to risk financial security and pursue a not-so-secure career in a field where my skills might be better utilised, would that be a wise move? Then again, if I am working at something that im good at (atleast relatively better than being the engineer I have turned out to be) I might actually be able to accomplish something significant (or atleast relatively more significant, you get the idea right?) and in the process also get rich. (Notice I didn’t say 'attain FINANCIAL SECURITY?' Hmmm...) Then again can I really suck off my love for writing so much as to be able to write just to earn big bucks? Could I write to meet deadlines and try to be creative just for the heck of it? Or maybe because I would be writing, I wouldn't find those deadlines to be as tedious or the creativity as sapping.
Maybe though, at the cost of being satisfied with my work, I wouldn’t be able to niche out a living (atleast not at the scale that this life as an engineer promises) Maybe I would lose out on the financial security that a fixed salary arriving at the end of every month in my bank account offers. After all, I couldn't eat happiness nor clothe myself with it...
Then again, all the money in the world couldn't contribute towards making me happy. The 8 to 12 hours that I would spend at work would only make me miserable. All my life I will always wonder "What if?" Should I gamble and go out all guns blazing and even if I fail, atleast live with the satisfaction of having given life my best shot, uncompromising and ambitious? Or should I just go with the flow and live out a happy Indian middle class life with the false financial security it has to offer?
I might have said it a million times before that money is not the driving force in my life. Yet, here I am debating the course I need to take my life through, my biggest concern ironically, being MONEY...

Happiness

You know what? I just understood life. It was not in a dream whilst sleeping, not while mulling over my thoughts in my spare time and not from a discourse delivered by an enlightened soul. No, I have not achieved any of the goals I had set for myself nor have I just fallen in love. Oh and just in case you think I finally flipped my lid completely, let me tell you that hasn’t happened either. I did not win a million dollars in the lottery nor did my dad buy me a brand new Porsche! I did not find the elixir of youth nor did I find a way to cheat death. I did not receive a call from IIM-A nor did I find a publisher for my book. I did not start drinking or smoking nor have I finally realized I am a jerk. My future doesn’t exactly look secure nor have I finally found the girl I wanna marry. I haven’t had a vision of God nor have I eluded the devil. I haven’t done something special for world peace or find an effective solution to global warming. I have done nothing significant that would separate me from the mortals that walked the world nor have I finally understood what I want from life. I haven’t got myself a date with Sushmita Sen or Paz Vega. I haven’t learnt how to sing nor have I finally learnt how to play Basketball. I haven’t………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………
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done any of the million things I would have loved to accomplish before crossing over to the other side.
I discovered the secret to life during a completely normal conversation with a friend. Midway through the conversation I realized I was happier than I had ever been in my life. I suddenly realized how lucky I was to be where I am, when I am. I realized that the greatest happiness I would ever be able to derive from life wasn’t in those million things that would come and go, it was embedded in the small ten minute conversation I had with my friend when I didn’t give a damn about anything else or anyone else. The elation that those ten minutes gave me was priceless. I didn’t let the person at the other end of the conversation know what I felt though. I wonder why…

Jukebox

Ever had that feeling of disparity when you had nothing to do but a monotonous task before you and nothing to take your mind off to a different world where nothing mattered and all that ran through your head was something that resembled a dream but wasn’t quite a dream cause you were almost wide awake and performing the task with single minded intensity? I have been there and I often put myself in these strange trances where I completely lose all sense of the world around me. I needn’t even have a monotonous task at hand for such an event to take place. It just happens so often. At moments like those, I am in a mode where I think about my life and where I want to be next or what I want the next day to hold for me. But that really isn’t a concern or a reason for this post. What intrigued me most was unknown to me, somewhere in the background I was playing a Lucky Ali song… I wouldn’t have been too surprised by it because almost every activity of mine is accompanied by music but inspite of all the music I hear, I have trouble memorizing the lyrics. Yet, in those moments, all the lyrics find their correct places and all the voices find their correct tones. Sadly though, when I try to concentrate on the jukebox, the music disappears and I am back to humming tunes. Cant choose the songs either so sometimes there are some really bad flops ringing in my head (none by that despicable himesh reshammiya thankfully!). Dunno who gifted it but I am glad it came along. It keeps me relatively sane that jukebox!!!

Love

I had no idea people actually read my blog! I was surprised today when a long distance friend of mine, whom I haven’t met in quite some time, asked me to write about love. So here it is…
I haven’t quite understood it yet but when I do, let me assure you, it will definitely find a special place here…

Prized Possessions

I recently received an SMS from a cousin of mine asking me what my dearest and most prized possessions were and as always, I ended up mulling over it for longer than necessary. So, after careful consideration for about a couple of hours, I finally narrowed down my choices to two things, which strangely are material and immaterial at the same time! In either case, here is my train of thought as I finally picked my two prized possessions that I wouldn’t trade for anything else in the world- not money, not love, NOTHING. Something that I hold dear that could not be snatched away from me no matter what. Something that defines the essence of my existence. What are they?
As is the case with all love monkeys, my first thought was that I hold the love of my life as my dearest possession. Then I wondered whether love by itself was sufficient to last me a lifetime of smiles. Rationally, it is not. So I moved on to think what else. Money? Hmmm… money never was and never will be a deciding factor in any of the decisions I ever make in this lifetime. I accept that money is what makes the world go round but frankly, I have no intentions of trying to garner a whole lump of money under my seat. All the money in the world could never be enough, so I would rather not spend my life running after something that takes away my most prized possessions. I hate money.
Next, is it my family? Possibly. They are the strongest of the four pillars that hold my life in place. I love all of them a lot and could give up almost anything for them… almost. Not quite my most prized possessions though. Third on the list but not among the top two. I am a little self-centered aren’t I? Well I suppose that’s me. I mean, why are you living? It is a freak accident that I am here and now, breathing the air I am and making sense of something that might be nothing more than a nanosecond in the history of the universe but whatever it is, I am here to make the most of the opportunity to try and make sense of it all.
Well, I suppose by now it is established that it isn’t anything material… it isn’t something metaphysical either. So, what the heck is it? Think about it. I too struggled to try to identify my priorities and my possessions at that point of time. Yet, ironically the answer hit me in the moment that I was where I was. I was at work (Yeah, I know, I finally caved in and started working this week.) trying to understand some complicated process that made no sense to me at all. So why the heck was I doing it? Why the heck was I wasting my time in trying to understand something that I probably could have chosen not to. Why the heck was I racking my brains over something so non-sensical?
Then it was that it hit me. What had I done over the past four and a half months while I was sitting at home and relaxing with my feet put up? I was writing and thinking with all the time I ever needed or wanted. I could go wherever, do whatever as I wished, whenever. But here I was now, sitting in the air conditioned office of a strange organization that manufactured some god-forsaken apparatus trying to understand how the apparatus worked. This at a time when I could have been sitting in a class-room learning German. Why had I given up on the time when I was making the most of the two greatest gifts given to me after life itself and was instead crammed in a room full of people trying to rake in some moolah. Why was I running after the thing I hated most giving up my two prized possessions for reasons that didn’t seem logical to me?
I’ll stop beating about the bush. My prized possessions are my mind and my time… I would not waste my mind over anything that does not bring in a little happiness into my life. I will not numb my mind with any amount of drugs or alcohol no matter what the hardship cause the mind is the only tool that can enable me to overcome those obstacles. I will not waste my mind by cribbing over some trivial and unnecessary problems. I will not waste my time over tasks that do not interest me. I will not waste my time in pursuing any activity that does not enable me to reach a goal that I have set my sights on and finally, I will not waste any more of my time or my mind in trying to explain the reasons for my choice. Whether you have understood what I have tried to say or not, I would encourage you to take stock of where you stand at this point of time and what you hold dearest to you. Whatever it is, hold on to it and never let go…

Embarrassment

Its amazing how some people are so embarrassed about the silliest things. Yesterday, I was talking to some friends of mine when we had gone to see off a friend at the station and those guys began teasing one of us ‘cause he was petrified of something. They were quite vague about what it was exactly that he was scared of and from what little I could pick up from the sardonic jokes, I figured it was probably about talking to girls the first time out. I couldn’t have been further from the truth. Funnily though, the jokes seemed hilarious at the time and after being enlightened about his phobia, I was in splits and literally fell down on the floor of the train clutching my stomach!!!
Well, in order to help him out of his misery, I decided to help him out that evening itself. The last two times he had set out to accomplish this unthinkable task, he had ended up pondering about a plan of action until eventually drowning himself in booze in desperation. Something had to be done for the boy lest he should end up running away from the situation all his life. Me being the extremist that I am, decided that the best way for someone like him to get over his fear was to face upto it amidst the presence of as large an audience as possible and so proceeded to take him to the mall NUCLEUS. If there were anywhere he would get over his fear, it would only be at this mall in the presence of at least a hundred others on a nice Sunday evening.
And so it was that we walked into the store and started hunting down our target. We discovered that the prey was housed on the second floor and we began making our way towards the final destination. On the way to the escalator, we were privileged enough to have been able to see a female of our species accomplish the same task with consummate ease and composure. However, instead of garnering courage from the sight, our subject here was pushed further into the realms of self-doubt and phobia. As we stepped off on the second floor and I had quickly spotted our quarry, I prodded my friend to stand up for himself and be a man. He was 22 years old, old enough to be legally married and it was high time he learnt to stand up for himself. I tried encouraging him with some inspiring words. He eventually took his first step towards his target and a quiet smile passed my lips.
Alas! The elation was short lived as his next step was backwards leading back to the downward spiral of stairs. Poor chappy, had himself being called a chicken in front of a score of people, his very manhood being questioned in public. I think that was the final straw that broke the camels back. He mustered up all his courage, picked up the box and walked up to the counter. He was beaming with the biggest smile I have ever seen him display as he walked out of the store with the first pair of briefs he ever bought!!!

When the Eyes Refuse To Lie

“I need to tell you something tonight,
What I have done is not right,
I have misled you to believe,
In love, you I did deceive.

“I need to tell you that you need to forget,
All the dreams in you that I did beget,
Those were just dreams in wisps of sand,
They hold no ground no matter how grand.

“I need to tell you to move on,
I need to tell you that I am now gone,
I have no part to play in this life of yours,
I am sorry that I am leaving these scars.

“But I know that I am not the one your heart seeks,
I know that it is someone else that in your dreams peeks,
It is the same with me too,
I would be glad if you would understand it to be true.

“I wish you adieu and wish you luck,
I hope you find happiness with your new chuck,
I know you will move on to happier days,
I am glad that we now part ways.”

I am glad it was over a phone I spoke,
Else she would have seen the heart she broke,
Cause no matter how hard I try,
My eyes just refuse to lie.

King Nothing

These days, every time someone asks me what I am upto these days, my response remains the same, i.e. “I am having the time of my life, things couldn’t get any better than they are at the moment.” A friend of mine somehow does not quite subscribe to the same point of view as me. Somehow, the concept of lying at home without work and no pay does not exactly make for a very happy living now does it? Moreover, I do not even have a girlfriend. Now tell me, how in the right frame of mind could I be happy. In her words, “What the heck do you have that makes you so happy?”
So, I pondered over and began thinking what exactly it was that made me so shamelessly happy. No job, so no real worries with deadlines or nervy bosses at the end of their patience at every single moment of their pathetic existance. No girlfriend, so no real worries about having to meet someone every other day or going out on a date or buying gifts, nor do i have to worry about that sneaky look that I just passed to the hot chick who responded likewise. No pay, so I really do not have to worry about how much income tax I have to pay. I do not smoke or drink or do drugs so I do not have to worry about getting my daily dose of the three famous vices. (I am still a virgin so you can cancel out that option too you perverts!) I am not quite ambitious so I really do not worry about where my life is leading me to next. I have a bike that gives me an average of about 80 kmpl and when needed can reach upto 90 kph with frighteningly powerful acceleration so I do not have to worry too much about fuel either…
Hmm… did someone say ignorance is bliss? I would say so is emptiness! Well anyway, I responded to her with a quick remark (after this whole thought processed through the three pounds of crap in my cranium) and said “Tell me what is it I have that would make me unhappy!”
Well believably, she was quite frustrated at my audacity and after another failed attempt to make me realize the virtues of making something meaningful of my life, she bestowed upon me the title of King Nothing…

Dilemma

Give a man time to think and he will come up with some of the stupidest queries possible. As you know, at this point of time, I am a liberated man and have nothing but time on my hands and most of my day is spent in pensive thought about a wide variety of subjects. What I don’t understand is why I think so much and what is it that I might accomplish by the same. So, I thought about this too. (See what I mean?)
I have thought about women, cars, and happiness and sought to answer that elusive question as to what life is all about. My mother says I am wasting the time allotted to me in the world of men by loitering in front of the television all day and pursuing a dumb hobby of writing a book (those aren’t her exact words though, she puts it rather simply- “GET A JOB!”). For those who know me well (and I seriously doubt that barring Saurabh, Rohan and Rahul that read this blog, hardly anyone ever comes here!) you know I really don’t give a damn about too much in life. Now this is where my dilemma starts.
What do you make of life? How do you let yourself achieve happiness? How do you ensure that you haven’t wasted the time allotted to you on the face of planet earth? What would or should I do to make sure that the fact that I am here and now does not get wasted and that I make something meaningful of my life? The pursuit of what would make me a happy person? Difficult questions to answer. I tried answering questions the way I answer all questions- by considering both sides of the coin. These are what I came up with.
Money makes the world go round, so perhaps the most logical thing to do would be to use the hyperactive mass of flesh in the cranium of my body and make sure that I make some big bucks, own some exotic properties and drive the fastest cars. This can be accomplished in the following ways.
First, I could study hard, get my ass into one of the more reputed MBA colleges, and work my ass up to the higher brass of decision makers earning big bucks along the way. Here are the ambiguities in this train of thought- I would be pursuing a career in a field I don’t subscribe to. Although I could do a good job while at it, my life would be no more than that of a zombie. I wouldn’t have time to stop and smell the roses, heck knowing the existant work ethics, I doubt I would ever get to see the roses! Hmm…
Second, I could pursue my passion for writing, apply myself to it and make millions (hopefully) out of my love for writing. Knowing the fact that I can put up a decent article, I should be able to at least capture the imagination of engineering students. Who knows, I might even topple Chetan Bhagat! Here is what is wrong with this train of thought- I would be sucking the love out of writing and would be writing only to try and appease the masses and perhaps entertain an audience. The Great American Dream- find something you love and make millions out of it and in the process choke your love for it to the extent that you forget why you started in the first place. But damn, I am Indian! That wont work.
Third, I could study my ass out and get into the civil services and do something for this wonderful land I call home. I could use my wicked and demented mind to straighten out some crooked bureaucrats and in the process do something good for the people. That would certainly bring smiles to quite a few people… but is my life worth theirs? Am I not entitled to live for myself? I may or may not get another chance at life so shouldn’t I make the most of what I have at this point of time?
Or maybe money isn’t the end all and be all of life. Maybe the greatest joys in life lie in the smaller joys. In the moments spent with friends, moments spent with the family, moments spent with my loved ones, moments spent loitering along the banks of rivers, moments spent driving down to Lonavala for a measly chunk of chikki. I don’t think happiness could be found in long hours spent in front of a computer screen working on solutions of someone else’s logistical problems. Then again, all those moments have a price too right? Damn, why is life so complicated?

I have been moping all around town,
Wish I could smile but all I afford is a frown,
You are so far, that I cant even talk,
In my frustration, all I do is walk,
All alone I carry on mindlessly for miles,
I try to see the trees but all I can see is your sweet smile,
How I wish life wouldn’t be this way,
When I cant even meet you to say,
That I miss you so much,
That I miss your touch,
That I miss the sound of your voice,
That you are the one that made me feel nice,
And then reality hits me hard, like the ground,
As I realize that very soon we wont be around,
To comfort each other, to speak and to hear,
That this is the way we must walk away, even though we hold each other dear.