Rhyme Scheme

I was actually irritated at my impulsive desire to seek a pattern in everything i do. Like for example my poems. I find myself imposing a compulsion to writing to a rhyme scheme. It has to follow a pattern-
a
a
b
b
or
a
b
a
b
or
a
a
a
a
or...
I guess this began back in school when i had written my first poem for the VINCENTIAN and my then english teacher, Mrs. M. Fernandes had struck it down telling me that the poem was beautiful but i should think about fitting it into a rhyme scheme, it would really bring out the beauty in the prose. I took the poem back and recomposed it following a rhyme scheme but didnt submit it back to her for fear of being rejected again. I think i should have because her guidance in those early years helped me write poems to a certain pattern following predetermined rhyme schemes. To this day, my poems are not composed with the first line in mind but the last line being the focus. The idea and the body of the poem is simplya product of the flow but the essence of a majority of my poems is in the last line. Often of course this could be clearly seen from the fact that my titles are derrived from the last line... Hope you can appreciate poetry better after reading through this.
(Ok, ok ill admit it. I wrote it because of a certain somebody who pointed out that my poems bore an undercurrent of logical flow and a compulsive desire for seeking a pattern in everything i do. Those who know me well enough would have never been pushed to making an observation as such, especially those who have visited my room back in the hostel! Nonetheless, i hope no one ever makes the mistake of assuming i strive even faintly to live by logic. All my actions are purely driven by impulse. I am sorry that my poems misled you to believing otherwise!!!)

Something Stupid

All those moments that together we have seen through,

So much trust that we are always true,

Sharing with each other moments both red and blue,

An infinite comfort that from each other we drew,

Just sitting on the beach as a cool breeze blew,

No words just silence as on the rocks the ocean grew,

Talking for hours as we shared a brew,

Those long walks to nowhere wishing we flew,

Every time we met with an adventure anew,

Those memorable arguments though far and few,

Driving endlessly without a clue,

Shopping for hours trying to find your shoe,

Moments laced with emotions of every hue,

Happiness we found as a best friend in each other we knew,

And then I go and spoil it all by saying something stupid like…

My Book has Stopped…

I had not contemplated this earlier but I am gonna stop writing my book. I know those who have read parts of it might want to egg me on and will tell me im doing a good job at it but I read through them today and I realized im not doing an awfully good job at it. Not many people might wanna read it eventually and more than anything else, I might not want many people to read it either. After all, im supposed to write about all those moments I spent with my dearest friends, those trials and tribulations, those wonderful evenings and those wild days. Those sweet memories are ours to keep and treasure and I wouldn’t want to dilute them by giving many others an insight into our lives.
I realized writing about yourself is like stripping yourself bare. Its about opening yourself out to people who you don’t know and honestly I don’t see the good in doing that. I thought long and hard about it and I realized that not just myself but my friends involved in those times too would be mentioned and no amount of me changing their names would hide their identities. After all, they are gonna be with me till I go to my grave and for all those times when they lent me their shoulders, I don’t wanna embarrass them in any way. When I think about those four years I spent in RSCOE, I am overwhelmed with such sweet memories that the bitter ones seem to be sweeter. I have been through a lot in those four years with a lot of special people that I know I will treasure as long as I breathe and if I put all that to the scrutiny of prying eyes I would never be able forgive myself.
Moreover, writing about those days has meant that I have almost paused my own life. I am still living in the memories of those years when each day held something special. I wouldn’t be able to recall them in the next four years to do sufficient justice to them. Those times have been so special and have taught me so much I wouldn’t have things any other way. I know a lot of people would say that there is a stark difference between what I could have been and what I have turned out to be but honestly, no other place or time would have been able to enlighten me to the extent that those four years at RSCOE have been able to. I have to move on though and those memories are somehow holding me back. I need to retain them as memories and not a roadblock where my life stopped chugging along. There will be a time when I will write my memoirs and all the people in my life will know what they mean to me. There will be a time when I shall write about all those beautiful years I have spent in school, junior college and college, when I finally express my gratitude to all you guys for all you have done (and not done) for me. Until then, I have to make do with writing my blog. After all, each story must have an end and my life has only just begun. My memoirs will definitely come but not yet, not yet…

The Birthday Season

I logged onto orkut today and had my wits thrown out of me for a brief moment. There were fourteen birthday reminders for the period over the next couple of weeks! It wouldnt really have been all so bad but for the fact that of all the fourteen, nine are my closest friends, four are people i hit it off instantly with when i had met them and one is a girl that at one point of time i was interested in knowing better.
Had it not been for the fact that quite a few of them are now out of town for whatever reasons, my financial condition would look really bleak had i had to buy them gifts! Damn, its at times like this you wish you had a decent job (or atleast a girlfriend who had one!) Its not the end though, the peak period is yet to come when all my school friends have their birthdays. Would you believe it if i told you that after a detailed analysis of all my friends, i have noticed that most of my closest friends have their birthdays in the period between mid may and mid july!!! scary...
Im not much of a believer in astrology and the astrological signs but come to think of it, I am a gemini and almost invariably my friends are mostly Gemini too! (and cancerians. So if you are someone who has an interest in this field do let me know why i hit it off so well with cancerians and librans...)
Well anyways, I am really bad at gifting people anything and so all you people who are inviting me for their birthday parties (i really wouldnt take an offense if you didnt so dont worry) be forwarned that my gift to you might just turn out to be the displeasure of my company and maybe a cursory card (which i am so bad at picking out, i almost always pick out one of those childish cartoon ones with some really bad line that embarasses both me and the recipient...)
So heres wishing you a Very Very Happy Birthday...!!!

HEARTACHES

When you break up with someone, what does it imply? Does it mean you are gonna part ways forever with the person? Does it mean you never wanna meet that person in your life, ever? Does it mean that all those times you shared with them are now gonna count for a lot of pain and suffering every time you recall them? Does it mean that there is gonna be a heartache somewhere deep in your chest that hurts so much you might eventually burst? What exactly does a heartache imply; pain, suffering and an incredible feeling of loneliness?
I tried figuring out exactly what made heartaches so painful and why exactly was it that we fell into such bouts of incredible loneliness and self pity. Was there anything to be lost in this period? Could there be anything we could gain from such an intense experience? (Weird how keep making weird observations at the strangest of times…) well anyways, I thought hard and long about it ( im not mulling over my thoughts for nothing after all) and I realized that like all the other intense phases in life even this would leave you with that immense experience that is both overwhelming and enriching at the same time. A broken heart teaches you how to appreciate the fragility of life, it helps you connect with your friends and most importantly it helps you truly understand the implications of that four letter word- LOVE.
I know, most people walk out of relationships with very sour memories and a lot of malice for each other. Some people though, realize that it had to happen and find a life long friend. In either case, everyone moves on to find someone new and when they do, they realize how much the heartache from that broken heart has taught them about handling themselves in the relationships. The sacrifices that have to be made and the space that must exist in the relationship so you don’t suffocate them (and in some cases, people realize they should have held on when they let go but lets not get there) Everyone needs a broken heart to be able to learn how to live. Its like the engineers say,
“Woh baap hi kya, jiski beti nahi,
Woh engineering hi kya, jiski KT nahi!”
Of course, I have to take things to every end of the extreme don’t I? After all, I did have a truckload of KTs in my engineering life. Wonder how many truckloads of heartaches im gonna carry…

Doing the right thing…

Dunno if you know it, but lifes most difficult task is doing what is right in any given situation. Struggle with your conscience all you like and almost always you will end up justifying what is not right. Almost always we will do the exact opposite of what we should have done. Don’t get me wrong though, I am not saying its wrong to not do what is right, in fact, our happiness lies in all that is wrong… confused? Let me elaborate…

If you have ever been in love with someone, you will know that the very first day that you approached her or him, the right thing to do would have been to walk away. Yeah I know, im being old fashioned and typically Indian but think about it, how many of us are in relationships where we know that our parents would approve without any objections? Barely a handful. Then we get into relationships and even when we know we don’t have a future we will pursue it in hope more than anything else. Doing the right thing can only happen when you think with your head and not your heart. When you weigh out all your options and think logically before arriving at any decision. When you have made a decision where your conscience has also had a say and you are morally justified too. The right decisions are made when you have thought with a level head and are mentally headstrong. The right thing always requires sacrifice and courage.

Nonetheless, the right course of action only brings with it a whole lot of heartache and sadness. It brings with it tears and heartburn. It brings with it despair and realization that life is fragile. The right decision asks you to let go when you want to hold on. The right thing to do feels so wrong… so do the wrong thing and find happiness, even momentarily, its worth it… Life is too bloody serious it really wouldn’t matter if you made a few mistakes, its what makes life worth living. Not a world where you did everything the way it was supposed to be done but a world where you could do things based on a gut feeling, a world where you went against all the odds to fight it out with the person you loved. Imagine living in a world where everything was always right… yuck!!!



I have been thinking life through,
This is the most significant question I drew,
“What is the right thing to do?”
But would our lives be better if we knew?

Happiness costs money

Whoever said I couldn’t be rich with no money to spend,
I could do anything because I understand,
That life isn’t only about earning or learning to spend,
My most valuable possession is my mind.

To ask me to sacrifice it for you is unfair,
I wish to pursue my dreams, I wish to dare,
I cannot be stuck in an air conditioned room, I need the wind in my hair,
I couldn’t care less about expensive clothes, I would rather go bare.

I don’t want a big bank balance,
I’d rather spend time in a dreamy trance,
I’d rather not have just a fleeting glance,
At the kids but join them in their gleeful dance.

Why give up on that afternoon nap,
And instead put up with awful crap,
My lifes my own, to plot and map,
I wanna remain my own chap.

Im having fun and im not earning money,
A rich man at peace is a concept that’s so funny,
You cant buy it, that is for sure honey,
But strangely enough, happiness costs money!!!

An Expression of Thought

On a long evening somewhere in the deep corridors of loneliness of Delhi, I sat down to try and ponder why was it that loneliness so utterly and totally was eating me from the inside. I mean, I haven’t always been an extrovert nor have I ever had any trouble in keeping myself entertained in the darkest corridors or the loneliest moments of my insignificant life. Neither was Delhi an island devoid of human presence where I would feel socially dead. On the contrary (yup, it comes from me!) the women in Delhi were pretty good looking and yet contrary to popular belief, I had trouble keeping myself sane. Was it the loneliness that was getting to me or was it the fact that there was too much happening on the personal front in my life? I wondered.
I have seen too much in the last five years to even faintly consider those factors to be belittling my immense need for space and solitude to the extent that I was longing to be back in my beloved Pune and amongst my friends. So what was it exactly that drove me so close to insanity in my brief stint in Delhi? Was it that I was too darned used to my city? (Yeah sure, I missed the mismanaged traffic, the ill-kempt roads and the sweltering heat under the influence of rising mercury levels… ever notice how this trend of soaring mercury levels began as soon as those darned software and IT companies invaded my beautiful city?) Was it the fact that I was sick and tired of my job and wanted to quit it as soon as possible? (Ok, in all fairness, there never was a moment in those three and a half months that I did not consider quitting but lets not get into that, ok?) Or was it the fact that I missed my friends to no end? (Um… I’m sure no one would be that delusional!) Or maybe that I missed my family immensely (yeah it was, but I’m coming to the reason shortly.) Or maybe I missed my bed… (Yeah right, I’m sure many of you are already aware of my sleeping prowess so that theory falls flat on its face too, huh?) Or maybe I missed my girlfriend… (Yeah you are right, I WISH!!!) Well then what was it you ask?
Quite simple actually. I hadn’t realized it then but as soon as I got back amongst some known faces in Mumbai, I realized how much I missed my old ‘Conversations.’ Be it on the phone, at the tapri outside the gates, between friends, with my parents or just on this blog. It wasn’t the loneliness that was killing me, it was the fact that I was socially and ideologically dead. It was because without people my age to converse with, there was no outlet to the second most important activity in my life (the first I am sure you know, is sleeping!), “An Expression of Thought…”

this is here to remind me

i gotta write about quitting thermax, remember...

shit...

did you notice? i have been so bloody tied up with work, its been three whole months since my last post...
work sucks!!!