An Expression of Thought

On a long evening somewhere in the deep corridors of loneliness of Delhi, I sat down to try and ponder why was it that loneliness so utterly and totally was eating me from the inside. I mean, I haven’t always been an extrovert nor have I ever had any trouble in keeping myself entertained in the darkest corridors or the loneliest moments of my insignificant life. Neither was Delhi an island devoid of human presence where I would feel socially dead. On the contrary (yup, it comes from me!) the women in Delhi were pretty good looking and yet contrary to popular belief, I had trouble keeping myself sane. Was it the loneliness that was getting to me or was it the fact that there was too much happening on the personal front in my life? I wondered.
I have seen too much in the last five years to even faintly consider those factors to be belittling my immense need for space and solitude to the extent that I was longing to be back in my beloved Pune and amongst my friends. So what was it exactly that drove me so close to insanity in my brief stint in Delhi? Was it that I was too darned used to my city? (Yeah sure, I missed the mismanaged traffic, the ill-kempt roads and the sweltering heat under the influence of rising mercury levels… ever notice how this trend of soaring mercury levels began as soon as those darned software and IT companies invaded my beautiful city?) Was it the fact that I was sick and tired of my job and wanted to quit it as soon as possible? (Ok, in all fairness, there never was a moment in those three and a half months that I did not consider quitting but lets not get into that, ok?) Or was it the fact that I missed my friends to no end? (Um… I’m sure no one would be that delusional!) Or maybe that I missed my family immensely (yeah it was, but I’m coming to the reason shortly.) Or maybe I missed my bed… (Yeah right, I’m sure many of you are already aware of my sleeping prowess so that theory falls flat on its face too, huh?) Or maybe I missed my girlfriend… (Yeah you are right, I WISH!!!) Well then what was it you ask?
Quite simple actually. I hadn’t realized it then but as soon as I got back amongst some known faces in Mumbai, I realized how much I missed my old ‘Conversations.’ Be it on the phone, at the tapri outside the gates, between friends, with my parents or just on this blog. It wasn’t the loneliness that was killing me, it was the fact that I was socially and ideologically dead. It was because without people my age to converse with, there was no outlet to the second most important activity in my life (the first I am sure you know, is sleeping!), “An Expression of Thought…”

this is here to remind me

i gotta write about quitting thermax, remember...

shit...

did you notice? i have been so bloody tied up with work, its been three whole months since my last post...
work sucks!!!

What is more important???

For the past umpteen days, I have been quarrelling with myself trying to establish which facet is more important towards leading a happy life. After all, im only gonna be living once and wouldn’t wanna waste the opportunity right? Is it important to pursue a CAREER or could you be happy just dong a JOB that pays you well? I think the eventual answer to this question would be the decision I take in pursuing my post-graduation.
What I can’t decide is whether it is more important to attain financial security or whether I might risk financial security for CAREER satisfaction. If I should choose to risk financial security and pursue a not-so-secure career in a field where my skills might be better utilised, would that be a wise move? Then again, if I am working at something that im good at (atleast relatively better than being the engineer I have turned out to be) I might actually be able to accomplish something significant (or atleast relatively more significant, you get the idea right?) and in the process also get rich. (Notice I didn’t say 'attain FINANCIAL SECURITY?' Hmmm...) Then again can I really suck off my love for writing so much as to be able to write just to earn big bucks? Could I write to meet deadlines and try to be creative just for the heck of it? Or maybe because I would be writing, I wouldn't find those deadlines to be as tedious or the creativity as sapping.
Maybe though, at the cost of being satisfied with my work, I wouldn’t be able to niche out a living (atleast not at the scale that this life as an engineer promises) Maybe I would lose out on the financial security that a fixed salary arriving at the end of every month in my bank account offers. After all, I couldn't eat happiness nor clothe myself with it...
Then again, all the money in the world couldn't contribute towards making me happy. The 8 to 12 hours that I would spend at work would only make me miserable. All my life I will always wonder "What if?" Should I gamble and go out all guns blazing and even if I fail, atleast live with the satisfaction of having given life my best shot, uncompromising and ambitious? Or should I just go with the flow and live out a happy Indian middle class life with the false financial security it has to offer?
I might have said it a million times before that money is not the driving force in my life. Yet, here I am debating the course I need to take my life through, my biggest concern ironically, being MONEY...