Tuesday, November 30, 2010

Keep Faith

Our lives are long and there is much we still know not
And it holds a lot more for us than we've already got
At times like these, you'd think life's unfair
With good reason too, for there's much you bear
I'd like to tell you, that it wont get tougher
To tell you, that you wont suffer
But it's life's way of teaching us her lessons
To test our threshold, before the pain lessens
But there's always something better in store
Just hang in there, patiently endure
For if you aren't lost, you would never find your way
And beyond tomorrow, waits another new day
Smile, keep faith and live the way you do
For I know no one, that can live your life, as well as you do

Monday, November 29, 2010

Conversation with the Butterfly

The 'Butterfly' wondered and said to me :

"Now and then, I see life, it’s a distant second

The first is always the dream

Caught squarely between the hazy view of morning twilight

And the rues of awakened and gloomy realities

It runs along and finds itself in the alacrity endowed to the mists of lands so pure

Life in motion but it seems inept to meet that which shimmers up ahead

The faith that lingers behind but still it swaggers in its drunken charm

You wait and gather faith or flounce and give in to the magical pull

Why do they break at times and make us wonder thus

Why do they wander so apart, unendurable first yet settling deep

For in togetherness each thrives, as one you become

But do they really stand apart at times?

Or does life itself break its ranks to sit idle and drool, to sit idle and despair?

Do you think of life as the dew that binds the cold and warm

Or as being empty to a dream, void of faith and hope?

The opulence of that peep into the future and the sustenance of hope

Doth always rekindle in you, as it doth in me

Life in its innate, ground in freedom and the courage

So true to nature, so far from conscious thought

And yet I sit in retrospect to think of one time

If I ever felt them apart, if ever did faith fall behind

The question impresses upon the foolish who think while others do

That in the prism of our being, you can’t deny a differential focus

Nor can you hover in a thick vacuum

I’m no stranger to each of the three parts as are many that surround me

And then again, it’s not each apart as I put it right?

It’s just one simple life; there are some wanting to take the reins

Some waiting, not fully knowing when the game really began."

And t'was that which I had long pondered so I replied :

"I dunno if life comes second or first
But I'm vaguely aware of my own thirst
To seek solace in memories when things go wrong
And seek hope in my dreams when I cant be strong
It's one step forward and one step back
In the mortal dance to an unheard track
My dreams and my hopes, leave reality muddled
And I live a reality that leaves me befuddled
I seek no clarity now for there is none to be found
It's all just an illusion of life, to which we all are bound...."

Tuesday, November 23, 2010

Bikram Wisodm

The trouble with dreams? You don't have to work too hard to have one...which is why, they shatter just as easily, all you have to do, is open your eyes, often to a lesser reality!

Tuesday, November 16, 2010

Let Bygones be Bygones...

Men are funny beings, they sure have life figured out all wrong... Or at least, its true about me. It's been a long journey only to come back to square one, a twelve year voyage I think. I dont think I'll ever be able to face the 18 year old me, at least not in my current avatar. A crisp white shirt, albeit sleeves rolled up...a slim black tie, albeit the knot hanging by the second button, black cotton pants over shiny formal shoes and a very expensive watch, which perhaps is the only remaining trait of the wise-old me, still worn on my right wrist. It was something no one could figure why. Some assumed I was ambidextrous, some thought I was weird but I guess I never wanted to grow up, be a part of the crowd and give up on those insipid, immature dreams. At least I'd like to believe so...especially today!
The car parked by the wayside and me splayed on the bonnet must sure evoke a few eyebrows. I dont think they see weirdos like me everyday. It's not a deserted backyard road after all. Nor is it your ordinary car. Yeah, life's been good. Made a lotta money, seen a lotta places, done a lotta things and yet, at 30, here, now, I feel outdone by the wisdom of an 18 year old. So what if it was me? I was supposed to get smarter, not stupider. Bah! Rat race...so what if you're winning? There are no prizes in store! The prizes were elsewhere, not in the friggin race. Took me long enough to realize...again. I still wonder how that imbecile 18 year old could've figured it all out before I did...years earlier than I did for myself!
And to think, it all began in her pursuit, the MBA, the lucrative job and somewhere along the way, got so absorbed in the race, I forgot I was chasing her, not the green. Sigh...
It was 10 years ago, right here that I last saw her. 10 years ago that I promised I was only doing this to pay off the loan. 10 years ago that I promised her, I'd never stop writing...10 years ago, when I last did write...but at least, 10 years later, here I am now, ready to put it all behind. 10 years later, I am more than a little rusty but I think, it still is a decent rhyme. I'm hoping she'll still like it, that without a word of appreciation, with just her little smile, she'll still file it in that green college file of mine...but most of all, 10 years later, I'm hoping more than anything else, that when I shout her name from under her window here, she'll pop her head out, give me the fake binocular search with her fingers curled and come running down to meet me...
But then again, it has been 10 years. I wonder if I should call her name out. I jump off the bonnet, look at my keys and then glance at her window and I wonder, if perhaps, I should let bygones be bygones...

Wednesday, November 10, 2010

Life Moves On...

It's drizzling slightly, makes the weather romantic. Needless to say, if you're taking a walk by the promenade, you reminisce some old memories. I'm supposed to meet an old friend today and I'm awash with her thoughts right now. It's been a long time since I've met her...well, not really, maybe a month but compared to the days gone by when I met her thrice a day, it seems like an eternity.
It's ironic how I've wanted this for myself...guess I am weird but I'd thought I'd needed to experience the travails of the human, 9-5, white-collared life. Idiot that I am. I've managed to push my friends away, learnt to long for weekends and to count every second from 9 to 5.30. Take her for example. I've managed to reach a point where I only speak to her once in 10 days. I still remember so fondly how we used to text each every 10 minutes...even silly things like 'Just got into the ric...' Why, you ask? I dont know...puppy love, I guess...but then, this is so much better, isnt it? Grown ups, respecting each other's space, still close as ever despite the infrequency of contact.
In a while, dreams, memories and reality all culminate into one when she steps out of the car...still breathtakingly beautiful, still making me weak in the knees and still melting me with her touch...it takes a while for me to gather my senses and utter the first few words...but thats alright, she seems to be bursting with chatter, lots to catch up on after all! Soon enough we're moving back and forth with the conversation, a lotta flirting, a lotta sarcasm and a lotta good natured banter...the fondness, is still evident.
I smile to myself, assured, that despite everything, we're still close as ever...that we're still more than best friends.
As we're sitting together, she checks her cell. I'm admiring her beautifully painted fingernails when I half-accidentally, read the text-
'Just got dropped near the bridge...catching a ric now. How's your evening coming along?'
And then my comfortable illusions are shattered and I realize grimly, life moves on...

Monday, November 01, 2010

Kanjur Waiting

A typical day, begins at 5 a.m. when her number is dialed and after about 7 or 8 calls, she finally cuts one of the calls to let it be known that she's awake. Then slumber takes over again until quarter to seven when the maid rings the bell and it's time to finally wake up. It's the same old, same old for me everyday, I despise work-life...I'm sure I'm meant for bigger and better things but then I figure, so is the thought for every other mortal caught in the drudgery of 9-5. The trudge to the basin is the hardest part of the day and when the face in the mirror stares back, it's just as hard to explain the status quo. ''Sheesh, women!''

Stepping into the shower and then after a good three minutes of self convincing to get over the disdain for cold water, finally under it, it feels like the movies. A slow bath spent humming slow songs with dreams and memories of her. ''Darned love sickness!''

Sid's still in the bath and the clock's inching closer to 7.32 so looks like I'm gonna have to ditch him again today. Between a friend and an hour's sleep on the journey to VT, I know which one I'm gonna choose! I walk down into the parking lot and look at my bike, she's due a visit to the mechanic's. I get astride and set my foot comfortably on the missing footrest and as always, think back to the days when I'd pick her up and she'd tell me to shift behind. Women shouldn't be allowed to drive, the phantom footrest is proof enough, innit? ''Sigh! Those were the days!''

As the train draws into the platform, finally the madness and the rush of Bombay take over. The dreamy, romantic me takes a backseat somewhere as the more human parts take over and I climb onto the moving train and secure my window seat. The day has finally begun. The rest of the hour long journey from Vashi is spent as it always is, sleeping with absolutely no thoughts running through my head.

I'm an Investment Banker apparently and in the lucrative field of debt broking. It's a cyclical business and I have managed to step into it while it's headed to rock-bottom. Needless to say, work isnt as exciting as it might have been and I hurtle through the rest of the day rather mechanically. It's a race everyday between my sanity and the clock to see who can outrun the other to reach 5.30...fortunately enough, the clock's won everyday till now. But sanity ain't too far behind, maybe one of these days it'll win and run out of my head...maybe then I'll do something really stupid. But until then, I shut my PC, pack my bags and leave smiling like everyone else around me.

It's time to board the train again. Music in my ears and I doze off for a while. An hour later, I get off and walk over to the end of the bridge, sit on the side rails with a book in my hand and alert her of my presence, ''Kanjur Waiting...'' it's the same text everyday. She arrives half an hour later, sits next to me for a while and I finish the chapter I'm reading. Conversation soon fills up the silence held for so long and we're talking about our day, about the turmoils at hand and our own sense of wonder about life and it's ability to surprise us with something new everyday, despite the mundaneness of our schedules.

It isnt too long before we're talking about our futures again. She's been on a break with her ex for the past year and keeps wondering about what she is going to do when she does meet him on the 1st of Jan. I wanna tell her that she shouldn't be with him but for some reason, like every other day, I hold my silence and listen to her think out aloud.

We get off at Currey Road and it's time to say good-bye for the day. I open my mouth to say ''Good night...'' but end up saying something to the order of ''Will you marry me?'' She looks at me, with a smile first and then with tears in her eyes. Without another word, she turns around and walks home. I stare after her for a while and then turn around to make the long journey back home.

The next day begins the same way, 6 calls before she finally cuts my call. I force myself through the rest of the day and sanity still loses the race to 5.30. I reach Kanjur again, wondering if she'll come by today. As ever, I sit here on the railings, book in my hand and send her the text ''Kanjur Waiting...''